Life can be painfully unpredictable. You can spend most of your life trying to find happiness you will never attain. Let me rephrase that, you can spend your life looking for the kind of happiness you think you need in places you think you need to look. So often what we need and what we want is right in front of us. We live in a time that forgets the simple joys of “settling down” and having a family. Nowadays we think we have to have a life first than have a spouse and child(ren). We forgot that “having it all” means having other people in our lives.
I’m going to be honest with you, I wasn’t ever sure I’d get married and have a family. My outlook on the matter was just plain and simple; “if I do great, and if I don’t that’s okay too.” As I look at my life now and see the people that our in it, I can’t imagine it any other way. I know how cliche that sounds but it’s a 100% true. I’m blessed with a husband who has put up with me for 10 years now and four kids who make me a better person (at least I try to be). In my wildest dreams I couldn’t have foreseen any of this greatness. Thankfully it’s not my dreams that come true but God’s.
I’ve spent a lot of my life missing out. I’d like to think of myself as a “recovering perfectionist”. I wouldn’t allow myself the chance to try new things or meet new people because if it didn’t work out exactly like I thought it should operate than it wasn’t worth my time. Life has literally passed me by for most of my years on this earth. I’ve been denying myself a lot of joys and experiences. I won’t be able to tell you what promoted this change in my life; why I suddenly decided to start writing and doing things I have only thought about doing for years. I know it has to come down to God’s grace. It feels like I’ve been seeing the world in black and white and now all the color is flooding into my senses. Not only am I seeing but I’m feeling the landscape before me.
I’d like to think a lot of this has to do with the birth of my son last winter. It was not easy at first. He wasn’t “planned”. I was in shock for two weeks following the discovery that I was expecting again. But as time went on I learned to look at this as such an amazing opportunity. We got another baby that we most certainly didn’t deserve. Our girls got a new sibling to add so much joy and love into their lives. We got another life for my husband and I to nurture and strengthen our marriage. That being said, the first few months of his existence earthside we’re incredibly tough. The details are for another day and another story but I will just sum it up as I was broken. Physically, mentally and emotionally I was drained. It wasn’t my little man’s fault it was just a perfect storm that was waiting to hit me. And hit me it did. It’s taken awhile but I am getting there my family is settling into a better routine and our hearts are full of so much love. More love than I could have imagined. God broke my heart open so he could fix it back up again. He added more space, more will, more fire, more drive, more joy, more love, more hope, more peace than I could have ever imagined. My Damian, you are not the first amazing thing that’s happened to me and I surely hope you aren’t the last. But in the short 6 months following your birth you have made me the woman I have always prayed I could be.
My son you are part of a legacy of love your father and I hope change the world even after he and I are gone. My children are my miracles that I believe in more and more everyday.